Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Naughty Greetings

In the Army we, the bachelor officers, used to coin naughty phrases while sending out greetings to other officers on various occasions. There are many such one liners, but the ones that merit mention here, are those, that we sent out to the officers on their weddings or wedding anniversaries. For example :-

  "HIT THE IRON, WHEN HOT" (on wedding)

  "WELL DONE and KEEP IT UP" (on wedding anniversaries, particularly to the older officers)

On my own marriage in 1983, i received a joint greeting message from the officers of my unit. I knew that this time i was at the receiving end of the naughty message. Let me share it here.

This was a full fledged Operational Order for Attack on the enemy forces. I reproduce the extracts below, though, I have hidden or modified some text, which contained battlefield terminology or some hard core adult material.

OPERATIONAL ORDER FOR ATTACK

Enemy Force: - Consists of a beautiful, young girl, escorted by a number of hostile females in the age group of sixteen to sixty years. However, the enemy forces are likely to include some male members too.

Own Force:- Consists of veterans of various age groups, led by a budding young officer of the Indian Army, who is capable of achieving any assigned task. Friends will accompany only for moral support. The objective remains to be captured single handed.

Flanking Forces:- One male, younger in age to the leader of the mission, from his own family, will march on the left flank and one heavy weight and an experienced male member from the leader’s friends’ circle will march on the right flank, however the final assault will be undertaken by the leader of the mission himself.

Attachments and Detachments:- All the bridal attires and ornaments will be detached from both the forces at the right movement.

Topography of the Objective:- The coordinates of the General Area are 36-24-36. The area has various curves and slopes which have to be delicately negotiated during the operation. Use of supporting arms is restricted. The objective will have to be captured with the help of personal weapon only.

Weather:- Expected to be hot and humid, owing to the heat and perspiration generated during the encounter of opposing forces.

Likely Pattern of Operation:- To be decided by the leader of the mission in accordance with development of final situation.
MISSION
To capture the objective 'Jeet' as early as possible, but other small objectives en route, to be neutralized with due care and delicacy.
EXECUTION
Attack will be in two phases

(a) Phase one: - To cut off the enemy from all sides and deny reinforcements.

(b) Phase two:- To force the enemy for an unconditional surrender.

Force Multiplier:- Perfumes, and soft music.


Air Support :- Since the operation is taking place in the month of May, Air Conditioning of the battle field will be ensured by the supporting arms.

Coordinating Instructions:- The battlefield will be decked up with flowers etc., to achieve desired ambiance for the operation.

Target Illumination :- No direct light to fall on the target. Only diffused lamps will be used during the whole operation till the capture of the objective.

Logistic Support :- Hot milk and dry fruits will be dropped in advance at the area of operation. No supplies will be made during the operation.

Success Signal :- Full lights off in the battle field after the capture of final objective, however, no other success signal will be fired as hundred percent success is expected.

Gallantry Awards :- Citation for award of a male or a female child  will be immediately forwarded to the Highest Headquarters, once the mission is accomplished.

Wish you a happy wedded life.


-- Officers of the 'Mighty Third'

This post also forms part of series on my life journey. To read all the posts in this series, please click here.



22 comments:

Anonymous said...

That was indeed hilarious! Keep it up and going Sir!

Regards

S

Balvinder Singh said...

Thank you S

shail said...

Hilarious.

BTW can asking you something out of context here. Do you know a Capt Vijay SS 22 also from 3 Dogras?? He is my husband's course-mate.

Balvinder Singh said...

world is so small, I not only know Capt Vijay but have served with him in Three Dogra for good about four years in Nagaland and Trivandrum. He was the leader of us bachelors at Trivandrum. Please read my post " Sound of V " under the lebel 'subtle humour' which carries a mention about how he used to mis spell my name.

I have lost touch with him of late. Must be a Major General or a Brigadier now. I will find out and will let you know about his present where abouts.

And thanks for the compliments for this post. I find very few comments. May be owing to the Army humour.

J P Joshi said...

Really good operational order..it has left nothing to chance.

In Ambala, I had noticed one nice sign outside a newly wed couple's room (they were staying in the bachelors accommodation, as the married accm was not available). "Caution. Aadmi kaam par hai". This was a PWD board that had been uprooted from the nearby road under construction and planted outside this room.

Another one while I was in the US doing staff course. Sign outside a mobile camper home, parked in the college mobile home area, "When the camper is shaking, donot knock". The fauj is the same all over as far as naughtiness goes, I suppose.

Balvinder Singh said...

JP, very interesting examples, yes fauji life, regardless of its hardships is full of humour. That is what keeps the Army going, even in the face of all types of adversities.

Chandrika Shubham said...

Full of humour. :)

sm said...

lol
thank you for sharing

How do we know said...

Holy Mother of God! They actually sent u that?!!
I can almost imagine a parallel memo from the girls side, if she was also in the army.. imagine the fate of 2 army officers who get married, and get similar memos from their officers...

Balvinder Singh said...

Chandrika and SM, thanks.

HDWK, yes, they actually sent this to me, type written on office stationery. I have preserved that paper carefully. Yes, if the girl was also an Army officer and had received similar order from her unit, one can imagine what would have happened to the battle field.

Reflections said...

LOL;-D

Balvinder Singh said...

Nancy, thanks :-)

CY|\|O$|_|RE said...

nice....hilarious....

seems to be a really big operation.....good operational order.....

Balvinder Singh said...

Yes CYNOSURE, the biggest and most sensitive operation of life :-))
Thanks

Salman Latif said...

Haha!!
That was hilarious! :D

Balvinder Singh said...

Salman, thanks for the visit and response. I love your blog posts. Pragmatic thinking. Keep it up.

Shas said...

Jus stumbled on ur blog.

ROFL good sense of army humour. For the first time i read about wedding in combative terms, it was interesting.

Happy Blogging!!

Balvinder Singh said...

Shas, yes in the Army the going is often tough, it's the humour which keeps them going.

aditya said...

nice blog sir...army memoirs is too good...
my dad's uncle was in 3rd Dogra..Sub Maj (Hony Capt) Milap Chand Katoch..retired in early 80's, i guess...remember telling abt unit's stay in trivandrum, binagudi, mhow, poona.

Regards
Aditya

Mrinalini Gadkari said...

So what were the rewards? Boy or a girl?! Nice post!

Balvinder Singh said...

Mrinalini, the rewards were two boys in quick succession. Not twins but with exact one year gap. same month.

Balvinder Singh said...

yes Aditya, i remember Milap Chand Saab. We served together in Nagaland and Trivandrum.